Put her in the crib. She cried, grabbing for me all the while. I took her face in my hands, kissed the top of her head and said, "Good night, Cam. I love you."
Turned around, went to the bathroom to pee, washed my hands, brushed my teeth. When I stepped out of the bathroom it was eerily silent.
She was out. Already.
Fast asleep.
WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?! It couldn't be.
I for sure thought it was a trap. I looked closer. No, she really was asleep! I tip-toed out of the room quiet as a mouse, feeling quite giddy.
I could dance! Except I won't, because me dancing is terrifying.
Oh thank all that is good out there. Tonight I do not have to suffer another bout of Cammy crying. I am so relieved. Now to get crackin' on this pile of mail and package wrapping and... sigh, the work that needs to be done!
I am quite happy. And my tummy aches have seemed to subsided. Today has gone much, much better. :)
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Monday, August 26, 2013
Ow, my heart.
Today was a very, very, VERY trying day. I have not actually been feeling that well today and I've had stomach aches on and off all day long... so at about 9:45 I finally get Cam down, and when I set her in the sleeper (I still had a few things needing to get done), she immediately woke up and started crying, freaking out that I wasn't holding her anymore.. etc...
What is with this newfound behavior!? It's like she's extra clingy lately. When I set her in her crib at night, same thing. Of course when it's crib time I am just beat and am like FINE, and take her to bed with me but... man. Tonight I knew she was tired, so I decided okay, I'll just put you in the crib then. Then what, you ask? Immediate tantrum. Crying, crying, crying... oh geeze, those huge crying eyes and that sad face she puts on. It hurt my heart so freaking much. I can't stand to hear her crying for me, it just makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
But I forced myself to walk away, swallowed my guilt, and I turned the bathroom light on so she would have some light. I didn't even look back -- while she cried and cried.
I felt horrible.
Not only did it make me feel like crap, I LITERALLY felt like crap. My stomach was hurting, I just wanted to sit down by myself even for a few minutes just to breathe. The clingyness is starting to wear on me a bit. I love her so so so so so much, but it can't be like this forever. I know that.
Soon, thankfully, I could tell her cries were softening. And then like magic, she stopped.
Meanwhile I'm on the couch feeling miserable and feeling a bit sick to my stomach (what's with the tummy aches? UGH!). I glance at Desoto who's sitting across from me on the couch, he glances at me. I felt like we exchanged looks, like he could feel my pain or something.
Then what did I do? Rookie mistake. I got up and practically bolted to the bedroom to check on Cam. She was lying on her side, head on her pillow.... eyes WIDE open.
She sees me. I immediately think OH CRAP. And she bolts right up and starts freaking out and crying.
I think, fuck. I'm an idiot. I should have waited longer. In this case, probably a lot longer.
I suck. So here I am, battling out the night. It sucks. I feel miserable and horrible and guilty and I miss Josh. :(
I know, this isn't a super happy post... but I'm just feeling totally yucky. And I hate hate hate feeling like I'm not being there for Camilla. I just don't want her to think I'm abandoning her, or that I don't love her, ya know? I know every mom goes through this... I dunno, it just sucks. Plus feeling all yucky and tummy-achey is just not fun. Sigh.
Blah! I'm going to go check on Cam now. It's been quiet for awhile. Here's hoping it's not another trap. Lol.
P.s. here's a photo from today that totally makes me smile. She figured out how to turn the living room lamps on and off... she had quite a bit of fun with that.
I love this girl. Please don't be mad at mommy, Cam! :(
What is with this newfound behavior!? It's like she's extra clingy lately. When I set her in her crib at night, same thing. Of course when it's crib time I am just beat and am like FINE, and take her to bed with me but... man. Tonight I knew she was tired, so I decided okay, I'll just put you in the crib then. Then what, you ask? Immediate tantrum. Crying, crying, crying... oh geeze, those huge crying eyes and that sad face she puts on. It hurt my heart so freaking much. I can't stand to hear her crying for me, it just makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
But I forced myself to walk away, swallowed my guilt, and I turned the bathroom light on so she would have some light. I didn't even look back -- while she cried and cried.
I felt horrible.
Not only did it make me feel like crap, I LITERALLY felt like crap. My stomach was hurting, I just wanted to sit down by myself even for a few minutes just to breathe. The clingyness is starting to wear on me a bit. I love her so so so so so much, but it can't be like this forever. I know that.
Soon, thankfully, I could tell her cries were softening. And then like magic, she stopped.
Meanwhile I'm on the couch feeling miserable and feeling a bit sick to my stomach (what's with the tummy aches? UGH!). I glance at Desoto who's sitting across from me on the couch, he glances at me. I felt like we exchanged looks, like he could feel my pain or something.
Then what did I do? Rookie mistake. I got up and practically bolted to the bedroom to check on Cam. She was lying on her side, head on her pillow.... eyes WIDE open.
She sees me. I immediately think OH CRAP. And she bolts right up and starts freaking out and crying.
I think, fuck. I'm an idiot. I should have waited longer. In this case, probably a lot longer.
I suck. So here I am, battling out the night. It sucks. I feel miserable and horrible and guilty and I miss Josh. :(
I know, this isn't a super happy post... but I'm just feeling totally yucky. And I hate hate hate feeling like I'm not being there for Camilla. I just don't want her to think I'm abandoning her, or that I don't love her, ya know? I know every mom goes through this... I dunno, it just sucks. Plus feeling all yucky and tummy-achey is just not fun. Sigh.
Blah! I'm going to go check on Cam now. It's been quiet for awhile. Here's hoping it's not another trap. Lol.
P.s. here's a photo from today that totally makes me smile. She figured out how to turn the living room lamps on and off... she had quite a bit of fun with that.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
What an amazing week. :)
I'm not really sure where to begin, other than the past week was AMAZING! I love Josh's parents so much! They are just too kind and the things they helped out with and everything while they were here... *sniffle* *sniffle* we are very lucky to have them in our lives. And Camilla especially, and new baby Blake are incredibly lucky to have them for grandparents.
I was actually a teensy bit worried it would be a little awkward, at least at first lol because I am totally an awkward and shy person, but the second they were at the door and let them in, I felt 100% at ease. I was just like YAY THEY'RE HERE! Lol. And once everyone was all settled... it never stopped being awesome. :D
In fact, throughout the whole time I'd text Josh like, "I'm having such a good time, so you don't hafta worry about us!" and "Holy crap your parents washed the car?!" Lol. I mean, that was such a huge gesture. It made me want to cry. I felt a little bad because they went out of their way to visit us and they're the guests they should be getting doted upon! I was so so so thankful and appreciative though, and I still am, cause it's like... wow. And after they left (which was super sad, *sniffle*) I was like oh man... time to get re-accustomed to doing things by myself lol. It's just soooo unbelievably nice having someone cook dinner for you and BAKE MMM OH MY GOSH COOKIES AND PIE THANK YOU SUE and the yard looks absolutely BEAUTIFUL! The front and the back, for once THANK YOU DENNIS! Ahhhh!! Now it doesn't look like a crazy person lives here hahaha. :)
It was just such a relief having them around -- not just for that kind of stuff of course, but having them in the house and close by. Even just chatting with Dennis and Sue, or watching movies was so relaxing and fun. And I especially loved Sue for taking me to Lowe's (and Dennis for taking Camilla lol) to school me on the different plants that would work at our house and stuff. I love doing that kind of stuff, haha! Also stealing all the good videos and stuff from Dennis's harddrive, etc. Yay! I'm extremely happy that they were able to come up and spend time with their granddaughter. Which is the first and foremost thing; I really want our kids and our family in general to have a great and close relationship. That's what a REAL family does anyway! Be there for each other and help out in ways that you can whether big or small, I thoroughly enjoyed having them here. I mean it does suck that Josh wasn't here so they couldn't see him and vice versa, but Josh is doing good things with his time away and I am still and will always be crazy proud of him. (Another YAAAAY! for passing that second exam! It sounded pretty brutal, but he did it. SO YAY!)
Haha, speaking of which, when I got the confirmation text that he had passed, I jumped for joy. Literally. Lol. We were all so happy (and relieved, haha).
SIGH! I miss everybody. Goodbyes are so sad, and when I said goodbye in the morning I was like, okay Christine, hold back the snifflies.. you don't need to get snot everywhere lol. I can't wait for December but oh boy, December will be a wee bit crazier what with another baby in the house. AHHHHH! Lol. Oh what ever will we do? Poor Desoto.... lol. And *cough* Desoto of course drove me nuts the entire time they were here, it just boggles my mind how different he is. He's like a thousand times more needy and clingy and he HAS to be center of attention which drives me flippin' crrrrraaaaaaaazzzzzzzyyyy. But ah well, I am glad they were patient and understanding with him. I guess I need to stock up on bones to keep him busy in December haha.
PHEW, this post feels a bit rushed since Cam is asleep and I have the dishes to do and put away and a couple other things I've been neglecting after this, eeek! I just wanted to tell everyone how unbelievably grateful I am to have Grandpa Dennis and Grandma Sue come up and help out and make the lonely month of August not so lonely. :) We have about one more month to go, I know we can do it! (but it sure was amazing having them in the house!) Call me sappy but I love hanging out with Sue in the kitchen and hearing Dennis laughing at a movie from the other room. Haha, it's just a nice feeling. Like hey, that's our silly family! Now..... what the heck do I cook for dinner?! Lol. (Can Sue be our personal chef? Lol)
Seriously, thank you Dennis and thank you Sue. You guys are the BEST. Now, if there's ever anything me and Josh can do for you, you bet your bottoms we'll do it. :) (they wouldn't even let me pay for Subway or any of the times we went out, HMPH!!!)
Shoot, I have to get going. Long story short? I'm just a big ball of gratefulness. :) And Camilla is one lucky girl, and Josh is lucky to have such genuinely wonderful people for parents. And Desoto is lucky nobody murdered him for being annoying! Lol! Just kidding.. mostly... (Haha, and I just kept thinking the whole time: Geeze, if my mom came up to visit, she would be expecting me to do everything for her) lol which makes me chuckle. Anyway, thank you again guys. I love you! WE love you!
Nose picker!!
Awww!
Cam being a silly girly girl.
Lol her face in the second one. Cracks me up.
Lol. And she certainly loved watching Dragons with Grandpa.
Oh that beautiful little girl. <3
Hey Grandma's phone is pretty cool, too.
Grandma Sue your phone is so fascinating!
Yay books!
Okay guys, time to buy me everything in the store!
Thanks for the Subway!! Mmmmm!
AWWWWWWW.
Hey Ma what you up to? ....Okay see you later.
Oh that smiley baby!
Lol what a silly girl.
Time to go outside!
Okay bye!
Time to visit Narnia!
This can of mystery is simply fascinating.
Thanks for doing the laundry Cam!
Love you everybody! And miss you all! Particularly missing Dennis and Sue. :) But there's always the future visits. Woohoo!
Oh and Josh... hurry up and come home! <3
I was actually a teensy bit worried it would be a little awkward, at least at first lol because I am totally an awkward and shy person, but the second they were at the door and let them in, I felt 100% at ease. I was just like YAY THEY'RE HERE! Lol. And once everyone was all settled... it never stopped being awesome. :D
In fact, throughout the whole time I'd text Josh like, "I'm having such a good time, so you don't hafta worry about us!" and "Holy crap your parents washed the car?!" Lol. I mean, that was such a huge gesture. It made me want to cry. I felt a little bad because they went out of their way to visit us and they're the guests they should be getting doted upon! I was so so so thankful and appreciative though, and I still am, cause it's like... wow. And after they left (which was super sad, *sniffle*) I was like oh man... time to get re-accustomed to doing things by myself lol. It's just soooo unbelievably nice having someone cook dinner for you and BAKE MMM OH MY GOSH COOKIES AND PIE THANK YOU SUE and the yard looks absolutely BEAUTIFUL! The front and the back, for once THANK YOU DENNIS! Ahhhh!! Now it doesn't look like a crazy person lives here hahaha. :)
It was just such a relief having them around -- not just for that kind of stuff of course, but having them in the house and close by. Even just chatting with Dennis and Sue, or watching movies was so relaxing and fun. And I especially loved Sue for taking me to Lowe's (and Dennis for taking Camilla lol) to school me on the different plants that would work at our house and stuff. I love doing that kind of stuff, haha! Also stealing all the good videos and stuff from Dennis's harddrive, etc. Yay! I'm extremely happy that they were able to come up and spend time with their granddaughter. Which is the first and foremost thing; I really want our kids and our family in general to have a great and close relationship. That's what a REAL family does anyway! Be there for each other and help out in ways that you can whether big or small, I thoroughly enjoyed having them here. I mean it does suck that Josh wasn't here so they couldn't see him and vice versa, but Josh is doing good things with his time away and I am still and will always be crazy proud of him. (Another YAAAAY! for passing that second exam! It sounded pretty brutal, but he did it. SO YAY!)
Haha, speaking of which, when I got the confirmation text that he had passed, I jumped for joy. Literally. Lol. We were all so happy (and relieved, haha).
SIGH! I miss everybody. Goodbyes are so sad, and when I said goodbye in the morning I was like, okay Christine, hold back the snifflies.. you don't need to get snot everywhere lol. I can't wait for December but oh boy, December will be a wee bit crazier what with another baby in the house. AHHHHH! Lol. Oh what ever will we do? Poor Desoto.... lol. And *cough* Desoto of course drove me nuts the entire time they were here, it just boggles my mind how different he is. He's like a thousand times more needy and clingy and he HAS to be center of attention which drives me flippin' crrrrraaaaaaaazzzzzzzyyyy. But ah well, I am glad they were patient and understanding with him. I guess I need to stock up on bones to keep him busy in December haha.
PHEW, this post feels a bit rushed since Cam is asleep and I have the dishes to do and put away and a couple other things I've been neglecting after this, eeek! I just wanted to tell everyone how unbelievably grateful I am to have Grandpa Dennis and Grandma Sue come up and help out and make the lonely month of August not so lonely. :) We have about one more month to go, I know we can do it! (but it sure was amazing having them in the house!) Call me sappy but I love hanging out with Sue in the kitchen and hearing Dennis laughing at a movie from the other room. Haha, it's just a nice feeling. Like hey, that's our silly family! Now..... what the heck do I cook for dinner?! Lol. (Can Sue be our personal chef? Lol)
Seriously, thank you Dennis and thank you Sue. You guys are the BEST. Now, if there's ever anything me and Josh can do for you, you bet your bottoms we'll do it. :) (they wouldn't even let me pay for Subway or any of the times we went out, HMPH!!!)
Shoot, I have to get going. Long story short? I'm just a big ball of gratefulness. :) And Camilla is one lucky girl, and Josh is lucky to have such genuinely wonderful people for parents. And Desoto is lucky nobody murdered him for being annoying! Lol! Just kidding.. mostly... (Haha, and I just kept thinking the whole time: Geeze, if my mom came up to visit, she would be expecting me to do everything for her) lol which makes me chuckle. Anyway, thank you again guys. I love you! WE love you!
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| The original Desoto behavior. Lol. |
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| Nom nom nom bone! |
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| Blocks with Grandma Sue! |
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| Lol. Such a sweetie. :) |
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| Movies, yay! |
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| Oh no Grandpa is tickling me! |
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| Help mom, help grandma! |
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| Okay I guess Grandpa isn't that bad. |
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| Lol! |
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| Oh nooo help, more ticklies! |
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| Get my good side, Ma. |
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| Right, ma? Everything! |
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| Yummyy. |
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| Okay time to wake up and seize the day. |
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| Sigh. Cutie pie. |
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| Stop taking pictures mom, I'm just trying to color. |
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| No wait, get my good side. (Lol when I had the camera out it was like she was trying to pose) |
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| Okay ma, I think that's enough pictures! |
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| What is this weird object? |
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| HAHAHAA. Geeze Cam! Socks are not for eating! |
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| But mom they're so delicious, how would you know if you've never tried one? |
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| Lol... I can't wait to show these to her when she's older. |
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| Lol! |
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| I sent these to Josh and he was like, Oh my God, what the heck Camilla?! Lol. |
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| Mmmmm so goood. |
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| After the sock snacking, she was out like a light. Don't you love how she sleeps like that? Lol. You know she's down for the count when she moves her arms behind her head like ahhhhhh, yeah, good night world. |
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| Awwwww. Grandma Sue loves her Cammy so very much. :) |
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| And Grandpa too, of course! |
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| I go do stuff now, don't follow me mom. |
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| Hey I said don't follow me! |
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| Hey where did Grandma and Grandpa go?! |
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| Hey, who is that beautiful little girl? Is that meee? |
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| Okay, stealing mom's lip gloss now. |
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| It's mine now, mwahaha too bad! |
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| I think I'll take these nail polishes too... |
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| Lol! I turned the mirror over to the magnifier and she was like uhhhhhh... |
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| Mom, I don't know if you heard, but I didn't make this mess... Desoto did. |
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| Okay maybe I did a little bit. But Desoto made me! |
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| Eeeeeeeek so cute!! |
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| Carrying her picnic basket around lol. |
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| Lol Cam's oatmeal and fruit medley face. |
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| Thanks Cam for stealing a canned good from the pantry, taking the label off, and stashing it in your room. |
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| Look at my cuteness everybody! |
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| This is the face of: Yeah, I know I'm so adorable. |
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| Haha she was torn between turning the page or continuing to open the castle's flaps. |
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| HAHA OMG. I stepped out to go plug my phone in, came back and she had her Highlights magazine flipped open and she was just sitting there. Like that. As if she were reading it casually. It was SO FUNNY! |
 | |
| Then she hears me giggle. She looks at me like, what? What mom? Go get my cup of milk while I read about the serious events in the world of Highlights Magazine. |
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| Sigh, toilet paper rolls are not safe in this house. Lol. |
Love you everybody! And miss you all! Particularly missing Dennis and Sue. :) But there's always the future visits. Woohoo!
Oh and Josh... hurry up and come home! <3
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