Monday, August 26, 2013

Ow, my heart.

Posted by ChristineElaine at 9:27 PM
Today was a very, very, VERY trying day. I have not actually been feeling that well today and I've had stomach aches on and off all day long... so at about 9:45 I finally get Cam down, and when I set her in the sleeper (I still had a few things needing to get done), she immediately woke up and started crying, freaking out that I wasn't holding her anymore.. etc...

What is with this newfound behavior!? It's like she's extra clingy lately. When I set her in her crib at night, same thing. Of course when it's crib time I am just beat and am like FINE, and take her to bed with me but... man. Tonight I knew she was tired, so I decided okay, I'll just put you in the crib then. Then what, you ask? Immediate tantrum. Crying, crying, crying... oh geeze, those huge crying eyes and that sad face she puts on. It hurt my heart so freaking much. I can't stand to hear her crying for me, it just makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

But I forced myself to walk away, swallowed my guilt, and I turned the bathroom light on so she would have some light. I didn't even look back -- while she cried and cried.

I felt horrible.

Not only did it make me feel like crap, I LITERALLY felt like crap. My stomach was hurting, I just wanted to sit down by myself even for a few minutes just to breathe. The clingyness is starting to wear on me a bit. I love her so so so so so much, but it can't be like this forever. I know that.

Soon, thankfully, I could tell her cries were softening. And then like magic, she stopped.

Meanwhile I'm on the couch feeling miserable and feeling a bit sick to my stomach (what's with the tummy aches? UGH!). I glance at Desoto who's sitting across from me on the couch, he glances at me. I felt like we exchanged looks, like he could feel my pain or something.

Then what did I do? Rookie mistake. I got up and practically bolted to the bedroom to check on Cam. She was lying on her side, head on her pillow.... eyes WIDE open.

She sees me. I immediately think OH CRAP. And she bolts right up and starts freaking out and crying.

I think, fuck. I'm an idiot. I should have waited longer. In this case, probably a lot longer.

I suck. So here I am, battling out the night. It sucks. I feel miserable and horrible and guilty and I miss Josh. :(

I know, this isn't a super happy post... but I'm just feeling totally yucky. And I hate hate hate feeling like I'm not being there for Camilla. I just don't want her to think I'm abandoning her, or that I don't love her, ya know? I know every mom goes through this... I dunno, it just sucks. Plus feeling all yucky and tummy-achey is just not fun. Sigh.

Blah! I'm going to go check on Cam now. It's been quiet for awhile. Here's hoping it's not another trap. Lol.

P.s. here's a photo from today that totally makes me smile. She figured out how to turn the living room lamps on and off... she had quite a bit of fun with that.

I love this girl. Please don't be mad at mommy, Cam! :(

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